As I’m sure that everyone knows, and is tired of hearing, (I’m sorry to complain) my boyfriend has been living back in Maryland to get his feet back on the ground since April. This has been the hardest couple of months of my life since my friend Deej passed away in September of ‘09.
I’ve never been the kind of girl that HAD to have a boyfriend at all times. Sure, it boosted my self esteem to have one. And sure, it was nice having that one person to always turn to. But I have always been such a independent person. The only person I have ever relied on in my life was my father, which has never failed me or turned his back on me. Even when he didn’t agree with my decisions, he would always catch me when I fell.
So, to the point, I am getting so worn down. Not just by the fact that the person that has basically been attached to my hip since the day we met in February of 2010 has left to better his life, but because of all the stress that has been put onto my head. I feel so responsible for the things that have been going on in my extended family. Everyone has pointed the finger at me for our falling outs. And to top off everything, I feel so estranged from my best friend, my blood, and my sister.
My boyfriend ended up breaking the news to me that he was moving back from Myrtle Beach, to Maryland in a very inconvenient way. I was visiting my sister in Columbia for the first time in months, and Vinnie and I got into a huge argument about our future and he was going to do to make changes to better his life, as well as mine for the future. Since he moved to Myrtle Beach in such a whirlwind, he left a lot of ties undone back in Maryland that really needed to be put to an end. I wish I could go into more detail about the things that needed to be attended to, but it makes me feel sick to even talk about it, much less put it on a public site. So, when he told me that he was just going to move back home, I broke down. He was my solid rock in my life. The only thing that made me motivated to work on my life, and to concentrate in school so that I could better my future. I lost totally, and packed up all of my things from my sisters and jumped into my car and drove home to be with him. I was supposed to stay with my sister for the weekend, and I only ended up staying with her for a day. We were not getting along as it was anyways, because she just didn’t like him in general, because he had made me grow up so quick, that I was not into the party scene anymore and my head was really on straight and tunnel visioned into focusing on school and work. She just wants me to live out my teenage life as normal girls do. But, I have a really bad anxiety issue with social situations that has progressed as I have gotten older. Drinking is not what it used to be for me. I makes me really sick to even drink two beers. And my immune system is so weak, that it takes me days to bounce back from a hangover, as it would probably take any college student a morning to feel up to partying as hard as they did the night before.
To me, it’s just not worth the sickness that it makes me feel. Anyways, I left my sister really high and dry that weekend, and she was desperately hurt by me leaving so abruptly. I don’t blame her in the least bit, but I was trying to hold on so desperately to the only person I have ever loved as much as I love Vinnie. Me and my sister didn’t talk for weeks. I didn’t want to talk to her about it, because I didn’t really know what to say. The thing with my sister and I, is that we let our pride get in the way so much of our relationship. I feel like we are constantly trying to have some sort of equality towards each other. But I don’t think that we purely understand how different our lives are. We are six years apart. That’s a big difference. She did not go to college after high school. She has a very skilled trade in the horse industry that did not need college education. She always knew what she wanted to do with her life, and I am so proud that she has achieved her ultimate dream. But, even though she has achieved her dream, I am still working on mine to finish college. As much as she balances throughout her day to day life, she could never understand how stressful and difficult it is to balance out your family, boyfriend, school and work. (Part-time retail job, that is very demanding with meeting store numbers and personal goals. And full time student at 15 hours of school a week.)
All in all, after making my sister cry, and to make me have such a mental break down and break my neck to get back to Myrtle Beach to hold on to the last thread of our relationship, my parents were not happy with neither mine or Vinnies decision. They thought that Vinnie told me that he was moving back home to Maryland while I was in Columbia, purely out of trying to control me. They thought that he didn’t want to me go out and have fun without him being there. They thought he didn’t want me to go out in downtown Columbia and meet another guy. Which would never happen. I’m fully committed to mine and Vinnie’s relationship. So, they were not happy with Vinnie and things didn’t go back to normal between me and my parents until weeks later.
On a whim, I decided that I was going to move to Maryland with Vinnie and finish out school there. I was bound and determined not to make our relationship miles apart. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew that I could never leave Myrtle Beach. I could never leave these familiar streets, and I could never leave the love of my father behind. He is my best friend, and I could never thank him enough for everything that he has done for me and sacrificed to give me the best life that he could.
Three months later, here I am. Attending summer school at the community college, trying to bring up my GPA, because I bombed my last semester due to all of the hardships that I was facing.
I could never apologize more to my sister for what I did to her. I never meant to make her cry. We haven’t been as close since it happened. And she still dislikes Vinnie, probably even more then before. And every time we have an argument, she throws her opinions about him in my face. And for me, that is the most hurtful thing that you could do to me, because that’s the love of my life. And I could not be more sensitive about how I feel about him, and how I am dealing with the long distance.
Although I am only 19 years old, turning 20 on July 24th, I feel so much older, more matured and focused on my future then anyone I know. Life is not a party. It’s not a race. It’s a marathon. And sure, it should be full of fun and happiness and faith and hope. That’s what’s supposed to get you through. Your faith in God. And all of the blessings that he has given us.
As of lately, I have slipped into the darkest of dark depressions. I mask it so easily in public, and in work. But at school and around my family and few friends, I feel like a mute. I feel like the happiness has been sucked right out of my veins. I haven’t slept for over five hours at a time in weeks. And when I wake up, I feel so drained, but when I lay back down the next night to sleep, I stare at the clock, or read a novel. As of lately, the library has become my sanctuary. I’ve been reading novels of all sorts. Love novels, mostly by Sarah Dessen. My new favorite series is the A-List series. It’s pretty good. Almost like a high school/female version of Entourage (HBO series). I have just gotten into a new book called Linger. It’s another werewolf mystical kind of book. The kind of book that everyone hates to love, but is so intriguing that you cannot help but be enthralled with every word written in the pages. Also, the words are written in a dark forest green, which is different. Any how, to say the least, I have been burying myself in books and school work. Studying my booty off to try to bring up my GPA.
I have had two breakdowns this week so far. Crying. Sobbing uncontrollably over something that I can’t put my finger on. Vinnie has been going to cookouts with his friends back in Maryland, and helping his best friend move in to his new house and eat dinner with them and drink. It gives me the biggest pain in my heart. I know that’s so selfish. And I could never be more certain in my whole entire life that I have nothing to worry about as far as Vinnie cheating on me. I know he loves me more then anything. But he gets so frustrated with me. I keep asking him when he’s moving back home. When are you coming home baby? Can you give me a month? Please? He yells at me. I don’t know Carli, things are so up and down here. I don’t know what to tell you. It’s like beating a dead horse with you. Do you ever listen to what I’m saying? Do you?
I hear you loud and clear. But do you know what this has done to me? Do you know how I feel to be all alone? I’m all alone. You’ve left me. I know this is for us. But what about us in between?
I had an anxiety attack tonight. The worst I have ever had in my life. My roommate and I were sitting on the back porch. My heart was beating uncontrollably fast, and she was talking to me, but her words were blurring together. I tried to laugh at a joke that she made, but I couldn’t hold my head up. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I couldn’t catch my breath. So I tried to take a bath, and I still could not catch my breath. I got out of the tub as fast as I could. I didn’t want to pass out and go underwater and no one find me until it was too late.
I dried off and walked out into the living room where Stephanie was sitting and stared at her, on the verge of tears and said I need to lay down. Something is not right. She asked if i wanted to talk about it, and I said no. After I caught my breath and regained composure, I went out and tried to explain to her what’s going on with me. I didn’t want her to think that she was living with a loony.
I told her about my family problems. With my sister. My family. School. Vinnie. My loneliness. My anxiety and depression attacks. I opened up. And for the first time, I feel like I’m ready to really talk to someone. Really break through to what the core problem is. In need some guidance. Otherwise, I don’t think I’ll be here much longer. I need someone to tell me that it’s not my fault that my family is broken. That everything will work itself out in time. And that I won’t be the one to blame if it doesn’t.