I moved to Columbia to better myself as a person, and that’s exactly what I plan on doing.
I got an amazing job in retail, which I am obsessed with. I am the assistant manager at dELiA*s and I couldn’t be happier with my job. Tomorrow I am waking up early to go sign up at the gym so I can be in better shape.
I am excited to bring forth this positivity into my life. For so long I have been struggling with depression and recently finding out that I was bipolar has been very difficult. It is a lot to take in and very overwhelming. I am cutting the negativity out of my life. This will probably cut out a lot of friendships from back at home. But since I no longer reside there, it shouldn’t be too hard.
I have lost 15 pounds since the beginning of the year, which is an okay start, because I haven’t been too strict on my diet and exercise. But now that I am living with my sister, we are definitely pushing each other to be better people; physically and emotionally.
Tomorrow/today is day one of my strict diet, and exercise and finishing p90x.
I know that I say this all the time but I have never had any motivation or anything to work towards other than my own satisfaction. I have finally met someone who makes me want to be a better person. Someone who makes me want to enjoy my life, live it to the fullest, and by bettering myself physically, I believe that this will be something that could actually last.
I want to be better. I want to be stronger; physically and emotionally. I want to be confident. I want to feel good about myself. I don’t want to be denied because of the way I look anymore. It’s time for change. I’m sick of it. And I’m at my wits end. I am ready. And I am putting my mind to this for good.
Watch me. I will have this guy by the end of the summer. I am sure of it.
Something that’s been on my mind a lot lately has been DJ. I don’t know why.
I have been thinking a lot about his photography. All of his photographs had a watermark on the bottom of them that said ‘I Am Alive.’ I just don’t think it was a coincidence. I think that he knew what was about to happen to him. And that he wanted to live through his photographs.
I don’t know why, but that’s all I can think about lately.
This past week has been so busy and hectic. I have worked 16 days straight, and I still have to move. I didn’t take any time off from work to move at all. I’m so stressed out, it’s unreal.
Seeing my life in boxes is really weird. I have so much stuff, but seeing it packed away makes me feel like my life is really meaningless and materialistic, which I guess it is. It sucks.
I’m excited to move into my new house though and start a new life. I am excited to start building a new life. Being in a new town where no one knows my past or problems will be really nice.
I have a promotions job set up for me in Columbia and already have four different promo’s to work! I’m so excited. I also have been looking for a full-time day job as well.
I have been looking at online schools and have chosen to attend DeVry because of their semester system where I can take 2 classes every 18 weeks. Having a full course load of 4 classes for 32 weeks straight is too overwhelming to me. I don’t see how people do it. I am going to work on getting my bachelors degree in Communications, and hopefully start working at Speedy Pak! Daddy is opening new terminals in Charlotte and Raleigh, so that’s super exciting.
NEW YEAR, NEW ME.
The last couple of years have been super tough, but looking back on it, I learned so much about myself.
Things I learned:
I am learning to still deal with a lot of things that have happened to me over the past couple of years. I am still coping with the loss of some very dear friends, and it still haunts me everyday. It’s not something that I talk about a lot, because I know that everyone deals with loss. I just deal with it differently than others. I miss DJ every single day and I wonder what he would be doing. I wonder what Cassady would be doing. She’d probably be the president of her class at some big college and in every club and still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. It breaks my heart.
The fact that my ex put me in the position to chose between my best friend and him, and I chose her, and he walked away because of it, truly showed me how fucked up he was and how he still wanted to control every aspect of my life. The fact that I had moved on and that I was forgiving and forgetting killed him. The fact that he so easily moved on to someone else hurt. But, I’m slowly getting over it.
Learning more about my disorder and learning why I am the way I am is still really hard. I’m finally opening up about it, and I am really appreciative of the way people are receiving it and I feel like they really understand me better now.
Myrtle Beach was really good to me, and really fucked me up in a lot of ways. It made me really tough, that’s for sure. And I met the best people and the worst people.
This chapter of my life will be tough to close.
is a constant struggle for me. I have a lot of problems. My head just isn’t right 90% of the time. I am just a fucked up individual, but I am dealing with it. And I am getting better, day by day.
Only a handful of people know that recently I was diagnosed with manic depression; or also known as bipolar disorder. I haven’t done that much research on it. But I do know how out of my control it is, and how much it cripples my life.
It took me a really long time to start to cope with the fact that I am bipolar. I hated, and still hate the fact that there is something wrong with me and that I’ll have to be medicated for it the rest of my life. When I am in my lows, it really effects me, and everyone around me. And I don’t mean for it to effect anyone else but me, but I really can’t help it. When I am in my lows, I can’t shake it, and I get mad at myself for being like that.
I’ve slowly started to fix my eating disorder. It’s something I have struggled with since I was 15 years old. I feel like it really went hand in hand with my highs and lows of being bipolar. But the bingeing and purging has not happened in four weeks.
Four weeks ago, I decided to be a healthier person, mentally and physically. I go to the gym at least four times a week, and I eat between 1200 to 1500 calories a day. I take my medicine everyday. I am slowly starting to get ahold of this new lifestyle to better myself.
A big change is about to happen, and I knew that if I didn’t change my lifestyle and bad habits, that I would probably end up killing myself because of the pressure and stress.
I feel like moving to Columbia to be with my sister will be the best thing for me. Going to Paul Mitchell will be a big change, and something really new, and something else for me to get used to, but it is something to keep me busy, and challenge myself. I feel like this environment will make me stronger and will encourage me to better myself mentally and physically.
To those of you out there who are struggling with a mental disorder, please talk about it and see someone! There is nothing wrong with you. It’s a chemical imbalance. You are beautiful and perfect. God doesn’t make mistakes. Thank you for being alive today!
Let’s stop talking about money, material goods, and our meaningless possessions. Let’s stop talking about the parties that we went to over the weekend and how completely wasted we all got. Let’s stop self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, food, and television. Let’s stop making small talk about the weather and how wonderful it is that it’s not raining. Let’s stop listening to sad songs alone in our bedrooms and getting lost in our persistent negative narratives. Let’s stop withdrawing when things get scary and pulling away from each other because we don’t want to risk being vulnerable. Let’s stop sabotaging the potential of a better life and healthy relationships. Let’s stop feeling sorry for ourselves, and putting every ounce of our energy into the past that is long gone. Let’s stop hating ourselves and being overly-critical of every mistake we make. Let’s stop feeling as if we aren’t good enough for happiness. Let’s stop this unfulfilling cycle that is ailing all of us.
I want to talk about truth — my truth, your truth, and the genuine truth of all of our lives. I want to talk about love. Not romantic love, but the love I have for family, friends and this world that continues to shower me with compassion and forgiveness. I want to talk about authenticity and how I long to be present in everything that I do. I want to stretch outside my comfort zone and find what is hiding on the other side. I want to talk about my hopes and dreams and my plans for how I want to change the world. I want to talk about YOUR hopes and dreams and plans for how YOU want to change the world. I want to nurture your soul with love and empathy, and I want the same thing in return. I want to talk about the secrets that I keep tucked away into the deep crevasses of my heart for fear of being misheard or misunderstood. I want to talk about my childhood, and more than anything I want to hear about your childhood. I want to talk about regret and shame and those embarrassing moments that we all vow to never speak of again. I want to talk about trauma. Not just my trauma, but also the trauma that is sewn into the very fibers of our culture that rips into the lives of everyone that lives in it. I want to talk about what makes you tick and I want you to know what makes me tick. I want to know my friends, and not just what their favorite drink is to wash away the sorrows of their day or their favorite color. I want to know what makes them cry when they find themselves in despair and I want to know what causes them to pine for more out of this life. I want to talk about the stars and how we can get there. I want to talk about loss and I want to mourn together. I want to rip away this shallow smokescreen that is keeping all of us from experiencing life. More than anything I am dying to throw all of my cards out on the table and see what happens.
What if we stopped talking about the things that don’t matter and instead focused on the things that do? What if we woke up every day with the hope to better ourselves and make changes? Maybe we could change the world if we only made a concerted decision to try. How we will ever know if we don’t try? I don’t know about you, but I desperately want to try. I want more than this out of life.