I feel so cleansed and happy.
I am not happy that I broke up with my boyfriend. He was truly my best friend. But, our relationship was so fucked up. It was controlling. It was crazy. It was filled with obsession. It was filled with lies. It was filled with more lust then love. I was forced to do things and to give up things, relationships and people that I really didn’t want to.
I was forced to drive to Maryland every month because his money and time and job was more important than my money, time, job and school. And plus, I have a car, and he doesn’t. He would guilt me into doing things that I shouldn’t have ever been asked to do. I dealt with more things than anyone my age should ever have to deal with. From his family problems, to going MIA on the weekends.
I KNOW HE CHEATED ON ME. I know he’ll never admit it. But, I would be fucking stupid to think that he didn’t. So many times that he just ‘forgot’ to call me or didn’t have ‘service’ to call me. And sometimes he would tell me that he just didn’t feel like talking to me. Um, really?
I am never one to say that I am TOO good for anyone. But, all my friends, all my family and even some of his friends and family have told me that I am too good for him!
He had no motivation, no desire, and no drive to become a better person and better his life. He just didn’t care. And I want a good life, and I wanted to be treated like a princess. He never did that for me. And he would never be able to give me the kind of life I wanted or deserved.
I am honestly happier than I have ever been. Our break up was really messy and filled with tears and hatred. I don’t know why we stayed together as long as we did. I should have listened to everyone.
I have had so many offers to go on dates. I have had boys cook for me. I have had boys buy me random cute things just because they thought of me. I’ve had so many guys hit on me. It’s been amazing to have guys treat me and talk to me like the most precious thing on Earth. I am finally finding my self worth and feeling how amazing I really am.
I feel so free and happy and alive.
Now it’s time to mend some relationships.
I was really mean to people who I felt ‘threatened’ by. But, I was protecting what was mine. Girl code. Back the fuck off. Nothing personal. But, it’s time to be nice, make friends, apologize, and have a good fucking time.
So, sorry to all the girls I was a bitch to. Because y’all can have him. You can make all the efforts and be the guy in the relationship. It will go no where. I promise you. It’s a waste.
I feel guilty for feeling so free and happy by becoming single. I really do. It’s not like I don’t miss him, but I feel happier alone.
It’s such a weird feeling and so hard to explain. But, when everyone tells you that you did the right thing by breaking things off, you start to believe it. And when he doesn’t try or make any attempt to rekindle things, you kinda say, well fuck it, I guess I didn’t mean that much to him anyways.
I still haven’t touched my ring and expensive diamond necklace from him in a WEEK. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to wear either of them again. I feel like I should give them back since I’m the one who broke things off.
On a lighter note, I’ve been asked to TWO parties from guys at school. One guy follows me around like a puppy and thinks I’m the most amazing thing in the world (he must not get out much). Every guy that I’ve pretty much ever known is texting the FUCK out of me and blowing my phone up. I forgot how much guys liked me when I was single, happy, and carefree and up for anything (not in a sexual way, but kind of).
I just feel bad because Genevieve hasn’t been herself since Saturday. And you can say that I am crazy and making shit up, but I KNOW MY BABY! She has been sad and whiney and not herself. She’s been sleeping in her elephant blankey and the blankey that Vinnie got us for Christmas. She won’t even cuddle with me. I feel so sad.
I need a pick me up. My hair done or something.